ReAL Docs finish season undefeated with tense game and bittersweet finish

ReAL Docs 5, Hustle Monkeys 3

By ADRIAN FARENHEIGHTS, 5th Phoenix General and Leader of the Flying Tiger Brigade
October 21, 2005

FLORA'S FIELD, UT (AP) - "GOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!!!!!! GOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!! GOOOOOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!" Shouts rang from the stands today as the ReAL Docs faced off against the Hustle Monkeys, a perennial favorite named after the feral creatures of the same name in Ozian lore. Cursed by the two "good" witches to be bound to the earth, the monkeys instead developed unnatural speed and ferocity. And the ferocity of their namesake was in abundance today as they grappled with the Docs for supremacy on the field.

In a time-transcending tale of heart and heroism, the Docs attacked swiftly and with surgical precision as all-star battlerager Teanu Mataoa quickly scored a goal early in the game, boosting team morale and putting the Monkeys on defensive. The Monkeys quickly returned the favor, however, sneaking a shot past goalie and promising Nobel candidate Bukhosi "Gatekeeper" Dube. Undaunted, the Docs pressed the offense, with Yaw "The Flash" Adjei-Poku putting one in from the left side of the field before the half.

Now all the Docs had to do was waste time to run out the clock, a maneuver they were well-versed in after years of practice at avoiding studying for classes. But the Monkeys, inflamed with some inhuman rage, would not let that come to be. Fortune, no doubt persuaded by some dark blood ritual, favored the Monkeys, allowing them a penalty shot after a hand ball by a Doc. "I don't know what it was," shopping mall tycoon and multi-billionaire Sara "Wikki" Wikstrom said of the hand ball, "Maybe Huntington's chorea?"

With the score tied up, the sense of peace that had settled over the Docs erupted into renewed vigor. Supported by the trifecta of Amy "Hata" Lim, Sarah "McCore" Moore, and Erin "Morris" Morris, who initially met each other at an international IWW convention, Farrant Hiroshi "The Other Asian Guy" Sakaguchi brought glory to his entire race by fervently driving the ball across the field and breaking the tie with another goal for the Docs. Amidst screams of joy from Doc fans and shrieks of terror from spectating Monkey fans, several teenage spectators fainted from sheer admiration of Sakaguchi and had to be carried out of the stands by the medical team.

As the Doc strategy once again swung back to running down the clock, retired ballet dancer Nate "Kof" Kofford showed off his fancy footwork, stymieing the Monkeys by repeatedly kicking the ball off the field. Matt "Playa" Ward, who had previously been trained as a human anvil during the Great Iron Shortage of 1534, put his skills to good use, intentionally deflecting the ball off his hardened body and out of bounds to run down the clock. But one of the Monkeys, tapping into their namesake's racial attribute of flight, kicked the ball over his head. Another Monkey leapt and headbutted it into the goal past Dube, tieing the game once again, and the Docs' respite was as quickly gone as it came.

Goalkeeper Dube, sensing that his team was lacking heart, his own expansive soul filled with sorrow at the desecration the Monkeys had caused, called for a substitute goalie and took the field himself amidst an awestruck hush from the stands. "I will show you what it means to play with heart," said Dube in a solemn voice. And the game continued. Fierce opposition came from one of the biggest Monkeys, clearly an Alpha dominant male by the brightly-colored garment he wore. After an encounter with the Docs' own Chazmanian Devil, Chester Bradstreet, Bradstreet had to be forcibly restrained by his teammates as he attempted to administer something he called the "Intravenous Foot Suppository." "Calm Down; we're not in Chazmania anymore. You can't do that in this country," said Shadi "#1 Fan" Ashrafi in soothing tones.

The dominant Monkey nearly came to blows with the referee over the rules of the game and displayed classic antisocial aggressiveness by declaring his previous affiliation with "collegiate" soccer. The Y.A.W. Cybernetic Enforcer unit codenamed "The Flash" had begun initiating his "Seek and Destroy" program, but luckily President Sakaguchi of Intrauniversal Robotics, Inc. was on hand to give the "stand down" command. Moments later, the head Monkey was seen rolling about on the grass, clutching at his collegiate netherparts after an unseen attack, presumably from the one of the Screaming Valkyrie Sisters, Chris "The Dish" Sadler, Angela "McKiller" McKellar, or Jody "The Quick" Quick.

The momentary conflagration over, the tied game began in earnest again, but the Docs quickly showed their prowess, with Wikki almost nonchalantly scoring another goal for the Docs, bringing them back to a 4-3 lead. With mere minutes till the end of the game and a loss, the Monkeys brought forth indomitable spirit, fiercely contending with the Docs for possession of the ball. "I haven't seen that many legs entangled since they tried to teach the Law students to line-dance," remarked caretaker and postdoctoral horticulturist Jay "Team Mom" Schultze. "Yeah," agreed ESPN Sports Commentator Diana Kofford, "It's like a Gordian Knot made of tendon and sinew." In the final moments of the game, Dube, the coach, manager, heart, soul, 5th rib and 7th cranial nerve of the Docs team came up against the dominant Alpha Monkey, who had apparently recovered from his grievous injury earlier. The sound of bone on bone as the two collided echoed the breaking of the hearts of Dube's fans worldwide as he fell to the ground. But his efforts were not for naught, as Troy "The Champion" Badger added insult to injury and clinched the game for the Docs with a fifth goal.

Instead of celebration, all eyes turned to the fallen Dube. Pulled off the field to safety by team hitman Aubrey "Encephalopath" Chan, Dube lay gasping in pain on the field. With no hesitation, ice was applied and Wyatt "Rivaaas" showed the skills that earned him the Offroading Championship of 2002 by driving a truck across the field to the incapacitated Dube. Eyes were moist and grim applause was heard as Dube was taken from the scene.

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