Malpractice refuses to flop over in defeat against near-impossible odds
Malpractice 13, Floppy Disc 10
By ADRIAN FARENHEIGHTS, Wandering Minstrel and Part-time Puppetmaster
October 18, 2005
SALT LAKE CITY (AP) - Despite ataxia from acute Wernicke's Syndrome precipitated by last night's "Celebrate, Congratulate, Confabulate" soiree, the medical school ultimate frisbee team refused to give in to defeat today as they squared off against Floppy Disc, a team from whereabouts unknown, consisting, as alchemist Jarom Hanson puts it, "of a bunch of people who are in better shape than us."
The cries of battle that began the game quickly gave way to panting and wheezing as the Malpractice team showed just how little malpractice they'd had. After a few heated rounds of play, noted sage Paul "The Consumer of Books" Lambert came off the field, saying, "If I need mouth-to-mouth, just let me die," much to the dismay of the team's medical staff.
Even in the face of valiant efforts by veteran four-star cybernetic general Wyatt Rivas and Muay Thai disciple Chris "It's-Unnatural-to-Propel-Objects-Using-Your-Hands-Instead-of-Feet" Sadler, Floppy Disc pulled ahead and had a comfortable 9-4 lead at half-time.
During the half, sweet hope graced Malpractice as team captain and respected tactician Mike English explained a new defensive strategem. With the arrival of bounty hunter Luc Hibbs, the team was further rejuvenated and began the second half in earnest.
Floppy Disc's morale plummeted like the proverbial superconductor as their disc-carrier suddenly found himself faced with the deadly trio of English, the awe-inspiring Farrant Sakaguchi, and extreme-ornithologist-turned-pharmacy-student Elaina Gatrell, closing in on him like an amphetamine-boosted blood-brain barrier. From that point on, all their disc were belong to Malpractice. Hibbs and Josh "the Titan" Brinkerhoff demonstrated that gravity was all in the mind as they repeatedly struck down the opposing team's throws as blacksmiths might strike an anvil.
The team of English and his wife Heidi were instrumental in one of the greatest comebacks in the history of the civilized universe, with English intercepting a throw while in the opposing endzone for a rare "Cow Hand" score. With a near perfect 9-1 second half, Malpractice twirled its way to a spectacular finish, maintaining its undefeated status. When asked to comment on the comeback, apothecary and ruminant Aubrey Chan made a characteristically incomprehensible remark. "I've never seen a team pick up zone defense that fast before," English said at the post-game press conference. "Well, of course," replied Sadler. "We're med students, and that means we're smrt."
Malpractice will play its first tournament game next Tuesday.
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